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The ancestral home of the horde has grown fallow and can no longer support the populace. Like our nomadic ancestors we must once again migrate. This time I am following in the footsteps of the geat ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) nogai horde. We will ride and fight through any obstacles that are presented to us until we can find a new homeland to resettle in, where our great people may once again grow and thrive.
For those of you who aren't well versed in history or Tripperish (i.e. Acid head language), this means that just like last time I ended a journal and created this one, I'm doing it all over again.
NB: As usual I won't be adding anyone. Once you add me, I'll add you back.Emotional Status:  complacent |
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A friend of mine very graciously bestowed 5g of pure DXM upon me, because he's not a fan of dissociatives and he didn't want it to go to waste. It's really added that final, perfect ingredient to my Easter Weekend recipe... for those who enjoy hallucinogens, I highly reccommend grabbing DXM if you can, appreciation of music is incredible on this thing... it makes it sound SO good. Your favourite songs take on different dimensions, and even average songs lift you into a realm of absolute bliss. The hallucinations aren't incredibly intense, but the dream-like, floating state it puts you in is somewhat similar to Ketamine and very desirable it you enjoy dissosciatives. It makes tasks that require coordination, such as typing a task (this has taken a very long time to type), but dancing comes easily and is incredibly fun. When mixed with the mind warping powers of Acid, and the hallucinogenic intensity of 2C-B, DXM provides for a realm of floating music and intense bliss... this is the realm that I will be in tomorrow night... ooh I can't wait.
The anticipation is killing me.Emotional Status:  high Auditory Complement: Social Outcast - Freedom (Kevin Energy Remix) |
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 Emotional Status:  happy Auditory Complement: DJ Depath - Synthetic Melodies |
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( Easter is coming... )
You know, easter is about rebirth, so I feel like writing a small treatise of sorts... This treatise is about me, and everyone like me. All the Hunter Thompsons, the Timothy Learys, the Robert Sedlacks, the Terrence McKennas... the list goes on. There's one essential core similarity that links them all, and everyone like them, alive and dead... a thirst for knowledge and happiness. Our trips are different, they are a journey that seeks to probe the extents of the darkness around us, discover the limits of the fantastic possibilities of life with and without chemical adjutants... it's a weird and wonderful alternative to cut and dry, black and white (translation: boring) trip that most others walks through life with. We don't walk through life, we stumble, with wide eyes staring around wildly, full of wonder and awe, like that of a child in an amusement park. Nothing is what it seems, everything is simple yet infinitely complex... it's not an easy trip, it's fraught with dangers, dizzying highs and catastrophic lows... but for me it's an affirmation of everything that is right in the sense of this sick and dying world.
My reality is demented, a crazy house with a roller coaster ride that never stops. It doesn't circle round, it winds endlessly into the distance, with no end in sight, the beginning long gone. The peaks are intense and mind shattering, the lows sickening and crushing... but it is a constant, chaotic dynamic that puts me at ease. Eventually one has to learn to stop struggling madly against the psychotic ride, hurtling along at insanely ridiculous speeds without any regard to safety... because the more you struggle, the more treacherous it becomes. One, instead, has to learn to settle in, grasp onto the beast and ride it hard as it bucks and weaves throughout the insane asylum that is my life, my unique trip in my corner of space and time. Learn to relax, learn to allow the corruption to consume my life - hell, like I've said before, I like it... just learn to swim in it, that's all that's necessary. Dive down and come back up for gasps of air periodically. Don't lose sight of the shore, or you'll never find your way back.
What people fail to understand, what even I've failed to understand until recently, is that what we're doing is right. Probably not for you, definitely not for most people out there, but for us it is correct, for us it is inevitable... for us it comes down to basic survival instincts. Long ago we began to adapt to our environment, still half man, but also half fish from being submerged for so long. Returning to the surface is no longer an option, but neither is sinking beneath the waves. Instead we must dance that tenuous line between society and the underground, between sanity and madness, between good and evil. There are three kinds of people in this world, that is a given. There are your normal people, the everyday men and women who go about their lives and range in between the two, rarer extremes. Then you have the children of order, and the children of chaos; the children of order become neo-nazi fascists, police officers, army officials and political dogs; the children of chaos are those of us who become consumed by the underground in our natural streak of self destructive, half-crazed behaviour and intense hatred of all those who control us and those who seek to control us even more. What we want is freedom, pure, unadulterated freedom... and in our quest to acheive it we dance with danger, the devil and the pure, free and liberating essence of chaos herself.
This easter will mark my rebirth as I break through another barrier in my own mind. Each year I learn more about my true character... it has taken me years to learn to be MYSELF, but here I am, in the flesh. I am finally falling out of the suits and masks that I have worn and becoming my own person. Perhaps to the outside observer it may seem like I am copying the many others who have gone before, but I am not. Our trips have this core similarity, but beyond this they all differ widely... from preaching religion with Leary, to love, peace and spirituality with McKenna, to jaded cynicism and incredibly selfish, dangerous and destructive behaviour with Thompson. The children of chaos are so vastly diverse that no two trips will ever be the same, not even two comrades who live side by side.
I am worshipping no false Gods this easter; I am worshipping the spirit of chaos and the energy it has instilled me with, enabling me to be born again, refreshed, anew...Emotional Status:  ecstatic Auditory Complement: Prodigy - Voodoo People (Pendulum Remix) |
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When you dance with the devil, you don't change him, the devil changes you. - Joaquin Phoenix, 8mm
The strength and truth of this statement is so amazingly profound and relevant that it made me think five times. Call it naievity, arrogance, ignorance... whatever you like... but there are millions of people who "dance with the devil" every day in one way or another and think they can remain with their head above the water. The most obvious metaphor for this in my life is the drug culture... but the fact is I know I've changed, I know I've sunken deeply into its filthy maws and I don't care. Is that something to be worried about? Or is it just a resignation that there is manifest "evil" everywhere, including in myself, and that struggling against it will just make things worse? So I allow myself to be consumed by a dark world of sin and depravity, but that doesn't mean that I can't hold onto a shred of goodness, does it? Hell, I like all the dark, seedy settings, the freedom, the rampant chaos and good hearted promiscuity. That's the level that I'm at, I haven't sunk to the level of the sick and twisted junkie that will screw his friends over, and I don't think I ever will. I've already been far closer to that point about a year ago, and I didn't fall, I managed to maintain... so I suppose I can hold on to that shred of goodness... and these sporadic breaks I take will help me keep my head level.
No sympathy for the devil, sure, but hell... I'm feeling a lot better today when I look on my chaotic, tumultuous life that is rife with sin and depravity and I actually start to think maybe I do enjoy it, maybe it's not so bad. Better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven. The only question left now is reevalutation... Hippy ideals, the realm of the psychonautical journeyer, where does all this fit in? I haven't forgotten them, I still believe in them... but what place do they have in my life in the here and now. I need to pull my head out of the clouds for a little while and focus on the present.Emotional Status:  contemplative Auditory Complement: Sharkey vs. CLSM - Wicked MC (A.M.S Remix) |
| » I HATE ANXIETY! |
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I'm feeling frustrated and anxious again, and I don't know what's the source of it this time. I suppose having to take a Daturine derivative to help me sleep, which subsequently makes me hallucinate (I wonder why...) is part of that reason. What the fuck is Doxylamine Succinate anyway? Who thinks to themselves to use a deleriant as a sleeping pill? Fuck... my kingdom for some goddamned Valium, they'd do nicely to quench this anxiety, but of course I need a prescription for that, and working Monday to Friday, 9-5 means that I can't get to see a doctor, and nor could I even afford it if I could. It's not discontentment, I'm happy... well relatively happy at least... and I can't think of any event that would be the source of this anxiety. Maybe I've just got text book anxiety problems? Or maybe it's still a kick back from my Acid bender that I haven't wiped out as thoroughly as I'd originally thought...
Mar. 6th, 2006 @ 07:17 pm
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| » Guilt and exhaustion... |
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It was Johnno's birthday today, and we all went to Gecko tonight to celebrate it. I feel guilty on two accounts; the first being that my lift decided to leave early, so I had to go at a pathetic 0130; the second being that I frittered what little money I had away on fast food and chocolate bars rather than buying Johnno a present. Fair enough, I did forget my lunch a few times during the week, but I also bought fast food for dinner a couple of times when I knew I shouldn't have been. It was my best friend's birthday and I didn't get him a present and nor did I even get to see him for more than 2 hours as he only finished work at 2330. Some fucking friend I am...
To make matters worse, my insomnia made me a veritable zombie and I was not sociable in the least. Johnno and I spoke a bit, but I was just so wrecked that it was hard to focus on the conversation and return intelligible answers in any reasonable amount of time for a conversation to continue. I apologised profusely to Johnno for it, and he said it was cool, that I had no reason to be sorry... but I do, and I feel guilty. I know that if it was my birthday he wouldn't have done the same.
Mar. 5th, 2006 @ 01:44 am
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| » The Fog is Clearing |
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The last week was rather quiet and reflective. Apart from going to work, I've been doing absolutely nothing... I haven't seen any friends really, though I've talked to a few over the phone/via msging, and all I've been doing otherwise is watching the odd TV show, listening to music or sleeping. Or rather not sleeping so well... the past week has been a constant lack of sleep; only three to four hours a night on average. It strangely coincided with my computer breaking, though I know it wasn't because of that... besides, it's fixed now and it hasn't gotten any better... yet. Luckily for me, my lifestyle has taught me how to cope marvelously with sleep deprivation, but it's still not fun and I would love to rectify it. The chemist gave me some Valerian (a herbal sleeping remedy) to try, but it's not effective, which isn't surprising considering my drug habits.
Though it's not all bad; sleepless nights mean silent introspection and reflection upon life, and the progress I've made has been astounding. It's only been two weeks since I (yet again) vowed to get off the junk, but I suppose this time it's markedly different from my other vows because I'm doing it with a full understanding of why, and it's primarily for me rather than out of some forced sense of duty to another. The proverbial fog is clearing and I'm looking back on the year just gone by with a much more stable and level head... I'm drawing conclusions that are even handed and fair, though that's not to say that they're not disturbing and somewhat unwelcome. I know that I'm only doing myself good though, so I'm soldiering on, no matter how much I really don't want to admit to them.
( My admissions and realisations. )
Don't get me wrong... I still believe that psychedelics hold some greater truth or meaning... I still think spiritual, but perhaps in a more wholistic sense they might just unlock an incredible potential that the mind doesn't normally have that you can grasp so much more about our life, our purpose, our abilities... which I suppose can swing both ways, it could be spiritual or it could be very scientific in nature (i.e. psychological potential). However, these uses will only be revealed if used in controlled settings and putting my mind to such purposes, not just using it on a Friday night out in Civic... claiming I'm using for a spiritual purpose in such a situation is a cop out. Taking a week of mental preperation, meditating before hand then doing it alone, or perhaps with one or two other people who are like minded (only a few of my friends think in this way) in order to answer some question(s) I have roiling around in my mind, or to try and work on a subconscious issue would be proper use of it. Though I won't be doing that for a long time, not until I get my head straight and my life back on track.
But all is not lost. I'm already on the path to recovery, I've got my job which I quite enjoy and am going to remain in for as long as possible, and I'm clearing out the detritus from my year long drug binge quite rapidly and efficiently. I'm feeling much happier, much more certain and damn it... as much as I hate to admit it... having a job has given me some crazy drive and a kind of purpose. I'm not so bored, don't feel like I'm drifting so aimlessly any longer. I should've listened to those around me, friends and parents inclusive, a long time ago. Hopefully I'll finally learn the lesson that there are others wiser than me, and they don't need to have published and internationally recognisable quotes for me to heed them. Ahh, that lovely feeling of inner peace, I've got it again and I'm going to grab onto it and tie it down for as long as I can.
Mar. 4th, 2006 @ 12:09 am
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| » Whew... |
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My computer fried itself exactly one week ago... around this time actually. I think it was a power surge... anyway, both the PS and the MoBo blew, much to my chagrin and $220 later, I have replaced them and repaired the damned thing. This is the second time I've replaced both of them... the last time was 2 years ago, and that was only 2 years after I'd initially purchased it... I'm starting to see a pattern forming. This fucking computer is horrible, first the A: drive never worked, then the CD-RW broke, then the very expensive graphics card had overheating issues, which I replaced with another, even more, expensive card... then I had the MoBo and PS blow... twice... I hate this thing so much.
Anyway, I have a lot of catching up to do and I am tired and don't have all that much time as I need sleep before work tomorrow... so a quick run down of the week gone by:
- I started my job, it rocks.
- I fixed my computer.
- The usual.
Yeah... not all that much has happened, but I really do like my job so far, it's awesome. Oh and I have Bonkers XV now and it fucking rocks. Hooray.
Mar. 2nd, 2006 @ 10:05 pm
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| » Getting back on track again! |
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Gayle has really motivated me, and when I got a call today from Mandy at Teletech, telling me how impressed they were with my interview, screening test and references and that she was now in a position to offer me a job, I could barely help myself from laughing aloud. I had a massive grin and as I rubbed sleep from my eyes I instantly went from being sleepy to alert. I said I was more than happy to take that offer and she went through a few things with me and then said someone would call me tomorrow so I could go in and fill out some forms and get everything started up. I hung up absolutely rapped, I couldn't be happier. I haven't lost my ideals, and this period of exploration and journeying hasn't been for naught, and it certainly hasn't ended... I've just put a temporary hold on it until I can get things sorted. I still don't want to live my life working for the man, material possessions are, ultimately, empty and meaningless, but the thought of having my own money, no longer having to borrow from others and worry about whether or not I can afford things, as well as the thought of being able to move in with Johnno and Gayle in a few months, really puts a smile on my face. I'm glad that Gayle and I had that chat, it has truly changed my outlook on things.
I told Gayle about it and she was very happy. She said that so long as I managed to keep this job until Johnno's lease on his current house runs out, then she'll be more than happy to move in with me... so all I need to do is keep this in mind and I shouldn't have any troubles keeping up the motivation. Gayle wasn't the only one who was happy, my parents were beyond thrilled, as was my cousin Suzie who'd been waiting to hear how this turned out. I still don't like the fact how none of them really understand my perspective on the psychedelic journey, but at least I can now understand their perspective and why they've all been so harsh on me, they just don't want to see me ruining my life. So now my goals are to keep this job, hopefully progress somewhere within the company, pay off my debts and move in with Johnno and Gayle... then we'll see where life takes me.
Things are looking up.
Feb. 20th, 2006 @ 10:21 pm
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| » Make your own kind of music! |
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There's something desperately geeky about getting incredibly excited about a 70s pop song that's been remixed and giggling like a school girl when you discover that you actually have this song on your computer and you didn't realise it. But what can I say? The 60s and 70s were the golden age of the modern world, a time where everything was different, and better, from values to music... the end of the 70s saw the end of good music, in general (i.e. it's hard to find good music now, in the 60s and 70s even pop was cool); and Make Your Own Kind of Music was always a wicked song, even before I heard it remixed, as was the Mamas and the Papas a wicked band. Plus the song actually means something, as most songs did in those eras, it's not just mass produced, empty crap. Ahh... good old hippy eras... my kingdom for a time machine.
Also on the topic of geeky, this will tickle your funny bone if you're of the aforementioned: http://allyourbase.planettribes.gamespy.com/video3_view.shtml
I had a job screening for a company by the name of Teletech today. They outsource to hundreds of companies globally, this particular job is a call centre for Telstra Bigpond. It's excellent pay, and the perks are incredible... like every Friday a free masseuse comes around for anyone who wants it... they allow their employees to surf the web, chat on MSN etc. when there are no calls. They said in the introduction that a happy employee means happy customers, so they endeavour to look after their employees. I really don't want to "join the rat race" as it were... putting on a suit and working for the man is a vile concept, but here at least it's semi-casual, no ties necessary, you don't have to tuck your shirt in... all these perks and a friendly, laid back environment... if I have to do it, then I'd like to do it for a company like this. I'm really hoping I get the job, I need the money sorely.
I'm lucky I have such good friends, because I can ill afford to go to Prophecy on Saturday, but I'm having all my expenses paid for because they didn't want me to miss out. Thank God too... I had to miss out on Godspeed Darkside, which was an all Freeform rave, I wasn't at all happy about that, and this one has Re-Con, one of my top 5 DJs, amongst other truly brilliant internationals. Very excited about the weekend... I'm in a fantastic mood today.
Make your own kind of music!
Sing your own special song!
Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along!
Feb. 15th, 2006 @ 05:51 pm
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| » Happy Commercialism Day! |
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I hate Valentine's Day for more than one reason at the moment. Of course the blatant commercialisation of every holiday makes me seeth at the majority of them, but Valentine's Day is a painful reminder at my ineptitude when it comes to relationships, and the fact that I am now virtually paralysed by the fear of rejection and more heartbreak just makes it all the more pathetic. I haven't really been depressed over this in a long time, but on a day like today where just walking down the street I am bombarded by happy couples kissing passionately, it really highlights the fact that I've been single for over a year now, and haven't had anything at all since Holly... and Holly's just a really bad memory that I'd rather not think about.
I'm not really depressed, but I have had enough of being single... I'm starting to lose faith in the notion that there is someone for everyone. I've never found anyone that I'm completely compatible with... Michelle came the closest, but I had to leave her. All my other relationships have been absolutely horrid... the thought that I am cursed in the game of love has come to me repeatedly throughout my life and I can't seem to shake it at times like this.
Feb. 14th, 2006 @ 11:35 pm
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| » Visitation |
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( Mundane details... )
So... now that I've got all the mundane background out of the way, I was tossing and turning for about two hours when I decided to try something different. I've been practicing Shamanic Trances a lot lately, and I thought that the sleepiness that they induce might be helpful in acheiving just that. So I settled down, laid flat on my back and focused inwards as normal. I didn't focus too hard because I wasn't trying to get into a deep trance, just enough to calm my mind, and I held it there for a while. It seemed to be working quite well, I felt very heavy and the jitteriness and constant thinking from the caffeine subsided. I fell into a semi-conscious state and began drifting off to sleep, so I stopped focusing on the trance when I suddenly felt very odd. I had my eyes shut, but there was a bright flash for a second and then I could see this amorphous, whitish, translucent shape. For a moment I thought I was having an Acid flash back, but I opened my eyes and I couldn't see anything, beyond the usual faint patterns and colours I always see.
My eyes were incredibly heavy, so I shut them again and there the shape was. It whisked around, as if trying to communicate with me, then turned into a Medusa. I was confused at first, I wasn't understanding what it was trying to say... it seemed to respond to this confusion by simply growing brighter, then the snakes in the Medusa's hair slithered out, the head dissapeared and for a few moments the snakes slithered around my field of vision, then turned to stone and shattered. The tiny pieces reformed into the original amorphous shape and I thought for a while... then it clicked, Medusas turn people to stone with their gaze, this thing was trying to tell me that I was frozen, trying to get me to think about why I was frozen, what had caused me to turn to stone. At this it seemed to solidify, as if to confirm that I had the right idea, then it broke into a word... it took me a moment to be able to read it, but after concentrating I realised it said love, then it changed and said happiness. I heard the words, "they will come" and then as suddenly as it all happened the shape dissapeared with another flash. I thought that I had to have been dreaming, I opened my eyes and pinched myself... I was definitely conscious. I felt very heavy and tired, and it was impossible to keep my eyes open. I fell asleep very quickly and didn't remember anything about it until now.
The whole experience was bizarre, but I'm certain that what I had was a visitation from a spirit helper. I'm still not quite sure what I am "frozen" over... but it seems to me that the spirit was trying to tell me that if I figure it out I'll acheive some inner peace... perhaps. That's how I interpreted it anyhow... so I suppose I've got some soul searching to do. Once I find the cause I can start to fix it.
Feb. 14th, 2006 @ 02:12 am
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| » The struggle for balance renewed... |
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Lately my ideologies have begun to change vastly, influenced in no small parts by the visionary Terence McKenna. Primarily I have begun to slip into an ideology free state of mind... no longer focusing on how to govern Humanity, but rather how to set it free. My thoughts have turned to nature very much recently, to tribal societies and the times when the balance of nature was revered, when nomads wandered from place to place so as not to destroy, but just borrow from the Earth, when Shamans were respected and heeded well, and when people truly cared for one another, not for personal gain and enrichment. People would call this a simpler time, but I wouldn't, I would just call it a more natural time, a time when Humans were truer to their nature and to the world around them, before a few people fueled by greed set in motion a 3000 year spiral into a decrepit lust for power and money that would lead the world to its current, sad state of affairs. A world where a country with less than a quarter of the world's population uses more than half its resources, where societies that until 200 years ago were still in the states of tribal society and lived happily are now starving, poor, desperately trying to modernise (which only creates more problems for their people) and squabbling over petty border disputes that were created by the sloppy withdrawal of colonial nations that never should've been there in the first place.
I wonder what it would've been like to live in an ancient nomadic society... to be at one with nature, commune with spirits and respect life, to have an open and loving mind that cared only about your brothers and sisters of the tribe and of mother earth. These people existed on all continents, but the ones I like the most (and coincidentally lasted the longest) were the American Indians. Most of the southern and middle tribes (Aztec, Toltec, Mayan and Incan, primarily) settled down far sooner than the northern ones, but at one stage or another they were all nomadic, and even after they settled down the other tribes were still very spiritual. But the great tribes of the North American planes are what I respect most, as they held Mother Earth in the highest respect, lived in a way that would deal the least damage and had a system of belief that was spiritual and open minded, yet at the same time earthly and wise. In some respects I long for a return to such times and values... and here is where I am faced with a conundrum.
While I would love to return to this, I can't help but think it is folly to lust after it. How realistic is it to have a return to such a life? And if it could and did happen, how would I deal with the loss of technology? I don't hate technology, I just hate the damage that is consequence of it... so here is where I struggle to strike a balance again. How can I find a balance in this modern world? How can I continue to use technology and live within this godawful society while maintaining my ideals and values? This isn't something that's upsetting me, it's just... unsettling I suppose, makes me a little restless. Always that struggle to maintain the balance... and when I strike a balance in one part of my life, another calls out for it. Though I can't complain, this constant struggle keeps me on my toes and keeps my senses keen.
Feb. 13th, 2006 @ 02:12 pm
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| » Interesting... |
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Not an update really, just found an interesting quote.
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
- Ellen Goodman
And that's why I refuse to join the rat race... it's so true.
P.S. I am never drinking that much again. I always say that... I think I need to stick to it this time. I always forget how bad the hangover will be.
Feb. 11th, 2006 @ 01:56 pm
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| » A trip to end all trips... |
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So I wound up getting my hands on some Acid, thanks to my friend Mark. Went out on Saturday night and acquired it, noone had to know, spent time talking to Gayle while she waited for Johnno, then talking to him for a bit before they both went home, I bid them farewell and placed the tab beneath my tongue as they retreated towards the car park. I know she's only been trying to protect me, but I didn't need it. It was time, the vibes had been right all weekend, I had stuck to my three month break... it was time. I went back to sit outside of Gecko, looking at my watch it had just struck midnight... I was ill prepared for the intensity of the trip that was to ensue and I was a little shaken when at just 0030 my friend's face began to morph as I was conversing with him. I blinked rapidly and shook my head, but this didn't improve the situation... I was a little bewildered at the fact that in only thirty minutes I was already beginning to feel the effects of what was normally the water mark of the 1 1/2 - 2 hour point... and I still had 3 1/2 hours of climbing before I reached the peak. The shock was settled quickly as I grinned from ear to ear, turned to Mark and said, This is good... this is real good...
( Details of the trip. )
At 1100 I said goodbye to everyone as they drove off to get some sleep. I shut the door, turned and looked around the loungeroom. Streams of patterns and colours still plastered everything, and the brick wall was still melting and jumping around. I guessed that I still had a few hours left, so I put on my Trip Out mix, cranked the volume and laid down to enjoy the pleasures of synaesthesia once more. It wasn't anywhere near the intensity that it was before, but it was still at quite an intense level. I laid there for another three hours before the effects had finally dulled enough and my mind, exhausted from the intensity of it all, simply shut down. I slept for a good fourteen hours and awoke quite hazy and bewildered. A lot of the night before was a little hazy, but the important parts had lodged themselves in my memory. I spoke to Katherine over the phone, and she helped me recall some of the things I had done and said.
Overall it was the most intense and enlightening experience I've ever had. It wasn't overtly spiritual, despite the presence of spirits... they hadn't been there to help lead me onto more questions, they had been there to help me turn my attention to what needs it most for the time being. Namely, my life and my friends... the path I am treading may lead to disaster in that I will fall short of my goals and may push what means most to me away, inadvertently, through my own selfish pursuits. Gayle just wants me to get a job, get things sorted so we can move in together and have semi-stable lives, at least. I felt at ease and confident... I know that the trip dove deep into my subconscious and reworked a lot of the knots in there, I feel fresh... renewed... Sydney Acid is amazing, much better than the shit we get in Canberra.
Feb. 6th, 2006 @ 10:23 pm
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| » 5 Guilty Pleasures |
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I'll be a good sport and play along... but only because you're such a cool chica Rach... I'm not going to fill this journal with these things like I did my last one. Hehe.
( Meme thingo... )
Feb. 4th, 2006 @ 07:10 pm
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| » My calling... |
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I was reading about Shamanism and the principles of it, and came across a part describing how the Shaman would get him/herself into a trance and detach their soul from their body to commune with spirit helpers, travel to higher and lower planes, and become more sensitive to emotions, temperatures, and the natural and the ethereal world around them at large. So, naturally, I was intrigued... it said it took years of training, and daily practice was necessary to reach the upper levels of the trance, so I sat down to try and attain the lowest level. That was fairly easily done, I just focused on trancing, focused inwards on my soul, I felt limp and a little drowsy, like what I was reading said I should. The wall I was staring at seemed much more vibrant and the usual colours and patterns I see (see here for an explanation about this) intensified quite a bit and started to take on more shape. It was pleasant, and I decided to see how long I could maintain this for, but as I did so I began to slip further and further into what I was reading had described as the deeper states of trance.
After about three minutes my vision was blurred, I was getting vibrant patterns and I was feeling very, very light headed... it almost like I'd just taken a hit of nitrous. Then, suddenly, I felt an intense rush and I had an out of body experience... I virtually felt my soul spring forth from my body in that rush of ecstacy and I knew this was the shamanic ecstacy they had been talking about. For a moment I couldn't feel my body, then my soul rushed back in, my body shuddered intensely, feeling warm and euphoric still. My eyes focused and the patterns faded, and the euphoria faded away, but I was left grinning stupidly, feeling warm and tingly. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to have a psychedelic out of body experience purely by the force of my own mind... it doesn't make much sense, and I don't understand how I managed to do it without any training or practice at all... perhaps my foreknowlede of out of body experiences and psychedelic journeying helped? I'm not sure...
And the funny thing is that I know that for the brief moment that my soul was detatched, I did something... I affected or changed something... everything feels different now... the colours and patterns I see are more tangible, I feel... empowered... all my life I have somehow felt different, felt as if I had a power, a calling, and they say that most Shamans have this natural call and are naturally imbued with their powers... this must be it, for the first time in my life I feel home, warm and certain about something. It feels indescribably amazing.
Feb. 1st, 2006 @ 09:45 pm
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| » Bad waves of paranoia, madness... fear and loathing... |
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Just a few days before New Year's I had been getting bad vibes... I had this anxious feeling that 2006 had a foul stench to it, an evil shadow looming over it. I dismissed it as nothing but paranoia, but looks like my gut instincts were right, as usual. These days when I get a vibe, it very rarely turns out contradictory... despite my hope and positivity about 2006, it's not shaping out to be a very good start to the year. I constantly said on New Year's Eve, This is going to be a good year... constantly tried to reinforce it, but even that day was fraught with bad vibes. First I had a fight with Gayle, then I didn't enjoy the rave we went to, and scat day was an full of anxiety and restlessness for me, followed by a horrible come down that almost had me in tears and had me paranoid that Gayle hated me because of our argument the day prior. That was all resolved, but it was a sign of things to come.
One month down, and it was a month of unemployment and very little productivity. Very little productivity for myself and all my friends... some of us have moved backwards. I've managed to make progress with my inner demons and untwist the bends in my mind a little, but that's about all I've acheived. We're all stagnating and complaining about it without bothering to do anything to make a change... it's starting to frustrate me.
I'm not one to cop out, but the vibes I got about this year pointed to some cosmic interference, some inexplicable negativity that would overshadow the precedings of this year... but I won't let that happen. I came to the conclusion, with the help of Terence McKenna, that Humans have the ability to affect their world far more than they know or anyone would have them believe, and I will change my destiny, I will break the accursed hex that is haunting this year. 2006 will not be a year of regression, it will be a year of immense progression for us all... we are going to acheive our goals... we're going to break through and dispel this storm of discontentment. This is a promise I make to myself and anything or anyone who's listening.
Feb. 1st, 2006 @ 11:55 am
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| » The origins of man? |
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I was listening to this lecture by Terence McKenna, and once again the man has forever changed how I will look at life. Two quotes in particular caught my attention, the first being:
The rise of Western Monotheism has marginalised the role of Humans...
And this is so amazingly true that it hurt my head the first time I heard it. I had to pause the lecture, think for a moment, rewind and listen to the greater context of it again, and it's still a struggle to come to grips with the consequences of what this means, if McKenna is correct, which I believe him to be. Since the dawn of Christianity the focus has been eliminating the unknown, the mystical, the polytheistic religions, the cults... it was especially important to eliminate religions such as the Greek and Norse Pantheons because, especially in the latter, Humans could influence the divine. Christianity, and indeed all monotheistic religions, take the power out of the hands of the people, place it in one man (the King or the Pope) and destroy Human ability to affect our world. According to these religions, everything is created or happens due to the whims of some ultimate higher being, Humans are no longer players in the game of cosmic balet, they are merely pawns of this higher being, whatever name or shape you give him. Monotheistic religions are about disempowerment, about enslaving people to an invisible entity in the sky, whose mouthpiece happens to be whoever happens to be ruling over the masses; and seeing as this divinity cannot be ignored, neither can his mouthpiece.
The second quote that interested me was:
Out of complexity comes greater complexity...
Here McKenna explains how since the controversial beginning of the big bang, there has been an ever increasing amount of complexity... from single celled organisms came multiple celled ones, which came amoebas, which came fish and other animals, which came mammals, which came Humans, which came society, which came technology... and this complexity continues to compound. In the last 100 years we have advanced quicker than in the first 1000 years of Human history. And this got me thinking on a tangent, coupled with the theory that time is circular, not linear... what if eventually we evolve to the state of dreaming Gods, and we dream up the beginning of our existence... and time starts over again? Or, what if we were some kind of spiritual entities floating in the void, and we became the "big bang", that we sparked off our own string of evolutionary steps? We must of course consider the implications of reincarnation here, in that these original spiritual entities may still be around, constantly being reborn as various creatures in our world/universe, Human or otherwise.
That was just a bit of speculative waffle... what intrigues me most is this notion that we have far more influence on the world around us than our societies would have us believe. Often times when I've been on psychedelics I've had the feeling that I've somehow changed the ebb and flow of reality around me... particularly on this experience I wrote about earlier. I truly think that we Humans have the ability to use our minds, if we free them from the bounds of our conservative governments and the sterile realities they have engineered for us, to acheive absolutely anything...
Jan. 30th, 2006 @ 01:05 pm
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